On Bush’s Farewell Address

Greetings fellow human beings.

For the past eight years, the United States has been in the hands of an alien from a two-dimensional, monochromatic world. I don’t know what he calls his world in his real language, but I conflated Black and White to come up with a name for it–Blite.

I’ve been building up a profile of planet Blite by reading his messages. I may have missed some clues by not watching, but after the first few months, I had to stop. His appearance was human enough, but listening to his mechanical, cackling drawl with the giveaway mispronunciations was just too disturbing.

New Cue Lure. {shudder}

But there’s a reasonable explanation for these strange and tell-tale vocal aberrations. The radio transmissions that reached Blite obviously had a glitch. And once a Bliter has “learned” something, change is no longer possible. In their flat, colorless world, analysis, introspection, and intellectual growth do not exist.

Furthermore, since concepts such as history, reality, and fact are unknowable to a Bliter, he can’t even fake them. He’s certainly tried, but his attempts are oddly out of sync with what the rest of us see when we look around our three-dimensional world.

You doubt me? Let’s look at some snippets from President Bush’s final address.

The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence – a time set apart.

Doesn’t this reveal his longing to return to his pinpoint homeworld where everything is NOW and nothing else exists? Blite has only one period. In fact, it is much like a period. A pinpoint. A prick in time.

I thank the American people for the trust you have given me.

Surely, only someone from another planet could say this!

Here’s an article from CBS news on January 15, 2009:
“Bush’s Popularity Reaches Historic Lows”

Keep the number of people who approve in mind. This number may indicate the percentage of Bliters inhabiting America today.

Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools.

Don’t get me started here. The depressing stats are everywhere. Here’s one source:
Alliance for Excellent Education Fact Sheet
from March 2008

Vulnerable human life is better protected.

Well, duh. ALL human life is vulnerable, isn’t it? So protected from WHAT and HOW? Was this a code phrase? A signal home?

While our nation is safer than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains another terrorist attack.

OK, I suppose a global financial collapse doesn’t count if you come from a prick in time. The future is NOW. Period.

I have often spoken to you about good and evil. This has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise.

Oh, now HERE we have it. Isn’t this the absolute giveaway? Don’t normal, intelligent humans brought up in civilized populations come to realize that people, cultures, and countries are a mix of good and evil. Isn’t it widely accepted–by all but Bliters–that the world is NOT black and white but shades of gray?

Isn’t there, in fact, an informal fallacy that helps humans identify Bliters in their midst? The fallacy comes with many names:

False dilemma
False dichotomy
The either-or fallacy

All warn of the same error: Bliters think in extremes–in two dimensions. It’s a total giveaway. Something’s either RIGHT or it’s WRONG. If you’re a Bliter, someone’s EITHER with you OR against you.

How does a Bliter explain those poor kids in Gaza who were blown apart by Israeli bombs? Did they reveal themselves to be PURE evil? Totally WRONG? Was it at least totally wrong for them to be under that bomb that fell on them? Or does “collateral damage” mean they aren’t even counted as “vulnerable human life”? I suppose that’s possible given the limitations of Bliter thought.

I have confidence in the promise of America because I know the character of our people

Our people? Does he mean Bliters? That approval rating surely means we are heavily infiltrated. I know I hear them every day.

Listen carefully. Trust no one. They can’t help but reveal themselves.

And don’t expect them to be ugly or nasty. Many of them aren’t. As we know from the last eight years, they can appear charming, patriotic, even intelligent.

For example, John Wayne was undoubtedly a Bliter. There’s a story that when someone told him the world wasn’t black and white, he responded that it should be. The Duke, the noble cowboy, such a charming, handsome even–

Excuse me, I stray.

Don’t be taken in by the mere appearance of humanity. Be afraid, very afraid. Bliters are among us, and they must be stopped!

Oh, where is Fox Mulder when you need him?



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